14th Nov 2006
Finding my own body
It’s been a year where I’ve mostly felt “not here” – whether that’s been because of loss of purpose (or job, which amounts to the same thing for me), loss of sex (which, well that’s just sad), recurrent jet lag, new job with increasing responsibilities and no easy way to deliver it home, problems with my sinuses/health, and the realization that this is the last year of my thirties.
I don’t know if it’s to do with the fact that I’m a reflective sort, but I feel my own skin as a direct signifier of what’s going on inside. When I’m on and collected and feeling like there’s good things to be done and had, I feel myself as a positive force, have better balance, a skip in my step, something “right” with my body and its relation to the space around it.
But some time this year, I lost my body. It betrayed me, and I betrayed it and we aren’t in tune right now. Sure, there are moments, mostly related to dancing around my living room in my workout clothes to old-time Prince or new JT. And in those moments, I remember what it felt like to be connected and wonder how I can get that feeling to stay.